![]() KENNEDY: Yeah, shame is one of the most powerful emotions, I think maybe the most powerful. What is shame detection? How do you define it, and how do we use it? HU: Throughout your book, you write of various tools like these in our parenting toolbox that we can use. But it sounds like that's something really different from what you've done, so it's going to feel really unfamiliar. Do you want to be effective? Do you want to actually help your kid build a skill so that they can show up and make a different decision next time? Because if you're on that train, I promise you I'm a good conductor, and we're going to end up getting to a better place. Am I more interested in being right or being effective? Sure, you're right. In this office or here on this podcast, like, we have to choose. But what I would then say to the parent is, look. If that person was in my office, the first thing I'd say is, like, I know, right? HU: What do you say to folks who hear that and think, my kid just, you know, acted out in a series of unacceptable ways, and I'm going to just try and connect with them? You know, they're not going to be immediately sanctioned or punished somehow? That does sound soft. And so connection first allows us to still connect to a child who's struggling. But we, I think, too often don't realize our kid who acted out - they need protection from further identifying in the bad kid role. That's why I'm stepping in, and I'm embodying my authority. Now, certainly, my daughter needs protection. You know, I think in that situation, we're so prone to looking at a kid who is hit as the kid who needs protection. ![]() I am connecting to the kid having a hard time. But I'm also going to look at my son and say, you're having a hard time. And then I might look at my daughter and say, ouch, I know that hurt. I would connect to him, which involves a boundary, right? So I might say, I'm not going to let you hit your sister. So I think a connection-first experience comes from whoa, clearly not OK to hit. So that just happened in my house, which, yes, does happen in my house. So my kid just hit, let's say, his older sister. So let's even stay with the hitting example. And it seems to stem from this one overarching idea about having connection or establishing connection first. And in covering and helping treat a wide range of parenting troubles, everything from food pickiness to sibling rivalry to lying or even aggressive tantrums, there's another foundational idea that you really focus on. HU: That is a huge foundational idea and an important framing. Guilty this morning, OK? And so, really, the idea of good inside - it's a strategy because as soon as we think about that mindset, we can see the identity of our kid as separate from a descriptor of a behavior, which I agree is far from ideal. KENNEDY: Is something wrong with me? And we all know. And then we look at our kid and really go into, what is wrong with my kid? Do I have a cold-hearted kid? Do I have kids who are never going to get along? Why is my kid hitting his sister, OK? Versus, when I don't operate from that foundation, it's just really easy to put frustration and anger and judgment in the driver's seat. And when we are basing our mindset in the idea that my kid is good inside, then I can really activate curiosity. ![]() ![]() It frequently allows us to have a gap between what we know, let's say, about my 3-year-old son - looks like he's good inside - and his behavior. And while I think a lot of us can say, oh, OK, that makes sense, or I believe that's true, where I think it's really, really powerful is when we consider the difference between identity, who someone is, and behavior, what someone does. And it's really the idea that people are inherently good inside. KENNEDY: So good inside to me is in some ways, like, a very simple idea. Let's start with what this idea of good inside means to you. That's the core to Becky Kennedy's philosophy.Īll right. HU: Connection - connecting with your kids first, nurturing that connection and repairing connection when needed. And when she herself was giving that kind of advice to her patients in private practice, she realized that the notion of disconnecting with kids when they struggled felt really off to her.īECKY KENNEDY: I actually don't think timeouts are effective for anyone, right? I think leading with connection isn't soft, OK? It's simply effective. Like many of us, she heard all the parenting guidance that includes consequences and timeouts, where kids are sent away when they're distressed. Becky to her fans - knows a thing or two about this. Clinical psychologist Becky Kennedy - or Dr. We want to help them develop and grow into resilient, confident adults. I'm Elise Hu with a very LIFE KIT conversation.
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